Tag Archives: cows

Jun17

Famous World Ideologies, as explained by references to Cows

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Famous World Ideologies, as explained by references to Cows

AUGUST 25, 2010
2-cows-580

  1. Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
  2. Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.
  3. Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
  4. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
  5. Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
  6. Real World Communism: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need”. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
  7. Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
  8. Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the “free” market.
  9. Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
  10. Militarianism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
  11. Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
  12. Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
  13. Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
  14. British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.
  15. Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
  16. Pure Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
  17. Pure Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
  18. Capitalism: You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.
  19. Enviromentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
  20. Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently – aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
  21. Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Aug27

THAT WEEK IN INDIANA-POEM ANA CHRISTY

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that week in Indiana

a 16 hour drive
Indiana bound
the road before
me wound here
and there as I
drove the day
the night filled
with anticipation
and lust for the
farmer and his
chickens cows
and an old brown
dog I was as free
as the wind
following the map
to the small town
that led me to him
that early dawn
and he was there
by the side of his
ramshackle
house in his army
fatigues and his
long brown hair
with a red bandana
oh god was he as
true to his photo
even better
and I did what
farmers daughters
do with handsome
men
in the hay loft
where mice ran
scattering
and the chickens
clucking and the
cows mooing and
the dog was barking
as we lay moaning
under an orange
moon-it was 18
years ago and I
dream of him still
we loved and lost
but the memories
stay and linger
still
there is a lot to
be said for Indiana
country boys with
red bandanas.

ana christy